Honestly...

status quo

@#($*!

It’s April 30 and I still miss its.

@#$(*!

why why why

on another random note, the stupid IT guy asked me out for coffee today. Why do I attract the wrong guys?! Ironically he yelled at me for having an empty coffee mug in the computer lab at the beginning of the semester and told me to hide it because it’s not allowed. asshole. now he’s asking me out for coffee. the irony.

its

I’m going to miss you.

I feel mixed about what happened.

On the one hand, I wish that you had behaved like the other guys instead of flirting with me and kissing while we all walked to the bar.  Whereas I barely noticed you before, I suddenly grew attached to you.  I wanted to leave the state w/o any attachments.

On the other hand, it was fun, blissful.   I’ve never made out with anyone as young as you; you were one of those guys I would have simply never had a chance to date.

This is all dumb I know. But i’ll miss you, esp. because I know you’re a good kid even though you took me for a loop.

I wish I wasn’t so attached to such fleeting blissful moments.

Lust

our class had grown closer together going abroad.

We worked hard and played hard; we had our share of fun eating, drinking and dancing and hanging out in an awesome and beautiful country.

I had no opinion of him originally but I began noticing that he was being flirty with me, taking the initiative to talk to me and throw gum wrappers at me. I practically have 10 years on him but he didn’t know it at the time.

He grew on me I guess. I think it’s because he was the most outgoing and fun. It helps that he is tall and actually cute. I never noticed it though because I just thought he was a dumb undergrad who always had to wear a stupid hat.

His attention toward me alarmed me but eventually flattered me. he was outgoing and fun.

One of the nights we were out he kissed me squarely on the mouth in front of everyone. We danced but he would really just dance and hold everyone.

Player.

He held me yesterday and asked someone ‘isnt she cute’

I was buzzed. we made out eventually.

Now I have to see him in class next week.

He did at least text me today.

Love

is patient

Love is kind

does not envy,

does not boast

it is not proud

It is not rude

it is not self-seeking

it is not easily angered

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but

rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes

always perseveres.

Love never fails.

-Paul’s letter to the Corinthians

I wish you could have been more like this for her.

Hi.

Hi.  that’s usually my reset word. Start everything over.

Lately I’ve been in automatic mode. Just going through the motions of school, counting down the days to graduation.  Sometimes Suzanne’s death overwhelms me, grips me.  I cried in my sleep again. I wrote another hateful letter to Mr. X.  I wish i wouldn’t care so much. I wish I never knew that he killed her.

I would deal with her death better if I knew that he wanted to change for the better. But I don’t know that. Perhaps he’s afraid of failing so he doesn’t try. He’s a coward.

I feel so numb. I just play games mindlessly. Blockles on omgpop. you should try it. Or i watch dumb korean videos to learn Korean.

I’m forcing myself to write to heal. I don’t know who to go to. i don’t know who else knows how she died. I’m trying to muffle my tears and sniffles now because I don’t want to alarm my roommate.  Another time when i was having one of these episodes after coming out of the shower she was standing right outside my door trying to ask me a question and I couldn’t answer cause my voice would’ve cracked.  i was bent over crying…

###

Dear God,

I never thought I could hate and despise anyone so much.

I’m sorry.

For all my religious upbringing, activities and involvement, I’m still able to fail to love and forgive unconditionally.  How do we learn to love the stubborn, the prideful, the unrepetent, the unremorseful….

I hate him so much and I don’t know how to let go of it Lord.  I want to make him pay. I want to send him all my hateful letters to let him see how it feels to be subjected to anger, hate, selfishness.

I feel so poisoned.

I feel so psychotic for grieving for this woman who I never met. I think it’s because I’m the only one in the whole world who knows how she felt: to be berated or blown up at for no reasonby the person who’s supposed to protect you and be there for you.

Suzanne’s crime:

being lonely

wanting companionship

having a disease that wore out Mr. X

I’m so sorry that you had to go that way. I wonder what you thought of while you were taking your life away.I wish I could have protected you and comforted you.

###

I think I just need to move on and not continually condemn him. What if he is trying now? Am I still going to accuse him?

this is another unproductive day.

and it sucks that we have to set our clocks ahead an hour.

Success

I managed not to call you.

I always want to around 11 pm. Just to see how you’re doing. But I imagine our conversation and it would be kind of awkward.

So i distract myself while imagining our conversation. So do I say, “I just want to know how you’re doing, nothing more, nothing less,” just to make it clear that we’re on the same page?

So the time passes. 11:15 is still not too late. I flip through newspapers that have been piling up. I need a distraction from my depression. I always stay up late. I think I can delay the day and will accomplish more.

I dread going to the school’s ‘bureau’ tomorrow. what a joke. I don’t feel like covering stories around here.  Instead, I’ve been working on my website so I could apply to jobs and have a homepage to show for.

It’s tedious.

11:30. kinda late… really pushing it if I were to call now. I’m so glad that we had this snow day but I feel like I completely blew it away by playing blockles. It’s so addicting! I did do a lot for my website but I should have looked for jobs too. ugh.

What’s more difficult is knowing that I wanted to move back to NJ cause you’re there and dad’s there, my friends are there. It’s home. You were supposed to be home. But I guess it’s not meant to be.

11:35.  Yeah I guess i’m not going to call.

This happens every night. I wonder how you handle it, if at all.

ID

Forging my own identity has never been so daunting, lonely and thrilling.

I’m enjoying this snow day.

Lax

I am strangely calm tonight; not stressing about school when I should be.

On Saturday I doubled over in pain after taking a shower today, crying over Suzanne’s death.  I never even met her and I can’t stop grieving for her.

Day and night, my conscious wants to punish him forever.

Done.

It’s finished. It’s all done people.

I unexpectedly ended things a couple days ago with a man I couldn’t love in the end.

You blew up on me again for no reason. When I blew up without reservation, you got angry, got scared of losing me and got contrite. It’s like the same schnitz different day but an apology can’t cover things up so nicely anymore. The damage is done. Your words are out and then you recant them but you can never undo the hurt.  I’m so sick of it. When will you ever learn?

You made my life hell. But at least you understand why I had to break up with you. I feel r-e-l-i-e-f.

Funny thing is, I don’t feel like I really long for the other guy in my life who truly loved me.  I rejected him because I thought I could have a future with YOU and he’s stopped talking to me ever since I made that decision.

I just want to be alone with God; it’s really the only relationship I feel comfortable with. I feel good.